Hellllooooo Generation Y. It’s me, Josh. And I have some good news, and some bad news. But I’ll get the bad out of the way because I’m Jewish and we rock the negative in the foreground.
BAD NEWS is that the job market blows. And I know your mom told you that you were special, and that you graduated from a top ten (insert focus) college. But the truth is, the jobs we actually want are scarce. “You know, garbage men actually make a decent living” is something you may have heard, and the biggest sign that you should be frightened.
BUT, THE GOOD NEWS is that I picked up a newspaper off a homeless guy at Bryant Park today, and there are A TON of really good jobs in there. Jobs for us, the self-indulgent “special” future of America. So, knowing you guys and your inability to compromise, here are some available jobs you might not shoo away immediately:
WANTED: BIG BUDGET MOVIE DIRECTOR
Help! Universal Studios has recently fired over-the-hill director Michael Bay and is searching for a fresh-out-of-college film student to direct the 2013 blockbuster, “Explosion on 34th Street.” Film Degree/YouTube Video Degree MANDATORY.
Prerequisites: Prolonged unemployment, has collected unemployment, is a PA and dreams of unemployment.
Materials Needed: A self-indulgent online video account. One or more culturally observant YouTube videos (minimum 241 views in total). Plaid shirt.
Attitude: Off-putting. Dismissing of others’ work. Lack of self-awareness A MUST. Unable to take direction. Cranky and unwilling to collaborate (Mama’s boys preferred)
Dealbreaker: Must have created at least one visually-striking video with zero sense of narrative or purpose. Attention to storyline can be grounds for dismissal.
DESPERATE FOR: FASHION DESIGNER/ICONIC TREND-SETTER
Ladies! “OriginVeeno-Fructise” (a Conde Nast Subsidiary) is looking for a cutting-edge college grad to lead our team in outfit design and all-around expensive shopping duties. We are looking for an avid online-shopper who can do the following: complain about trivial inconveniences, give dirty looks, stop in the middle of a busy sidewalk to text, over-think everything, cry and laugh at the same time, and look at their own reflection in every store window they walk by.
Prerequisities: Blog-reader, blog-writer, blog-fb-sharer. PINTERESTING PUN LOVER.
Materials Needed: Proof of credit card debt A MUST. Must state pre-selected Sex and the City character you identify with. Bring your own purple gel pen.
Attitude: Should be able to live, laugh, and love. Or at least dance like nobody’s watching.
Dealbreaker: Agressive “LIKE”er on Facebook or non-maxi-dress-wearer to the park on a Sunday are fucking GROUNDS FOR DISMISSAL.
NEEDED: ESPN SPORTS ANCHOR
ESPN is looking for a fat, lazy, couch-surfer to fill the role of the recently-fired anchor, Stuart Scott, whose cultural references have become “too black-dated” for the younger audience. Also the eye thing. Hoping to find a lethargic pothead who prides himself on regurgitating ESPN First Take analysis, and consequentially has no ability to connect with a woman on any level.
Prerequisites: Worthless Broadcast Communications Degree, or worthless Business Degree. Should have worthless knowledge of numbers. MANDATORY: Ugly/no girlfriend.
Materials Needed: Must be able to read lengthy Conan O’Brien monologue/Rob Delaney tweet list. Bring your own teeth. Please provide proof of your attempt, and failure, at securing a job on Wall Street.
Attitude: Snarky, misogynistic; an embarrassing drunk. Poor sense of right and wrong, bully-like defense mechanisms (google: Irish Person)
Dealbreaker: Not enough to have joined a fraternity; must have hospitalized or killed a pledge at least once in four-year college career.
DESIRED: FEMALE REALITY TV STAR
GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS. If you have opinions, and believe all 8 or 9 or whatever planets in the solar system revolve around you, PLEASE SEND BREAST-SHOT. “Bravo” is looking for a new reality star to assbump those Armenian fatties down in the ratings. Hoping to find self-indulgent egomaniac convinced of own superiority.
Prerequisites: Having stated “They should make a show about us!!” while cheersing wine glasses at an apartment pregame IS A MUST. Inability to look away from nearest mirror during conversation, DEFINITE MUST. Diary of asinine, misguided, and self-involved opinions, CLEAR-CUT MUST. Insincerely referring to an out-of-touch acquaintance as ”Pretty girl!” on Facebook is a motherfucking MUST.
Materials Needed: Please provide proof of plastic surgery. Sex tape a plus. Minimum 2,000 Facebook friends (75% male). Minimum amount of “X’s” and “O’s” in middle school AIM screenname: 4 (3.5 acceptable).
Attitude: Conflict-starter. Friendship-ender. Boobs-haver. Tequila shot-lover. Old man-sexer. Collarbone-definer. Newsfeed-occupier. Confident cigarette-bummer. Gaping vagina-owner.
Dealbreaker: Realistic sense of self.
WANTED: DOCTOR/LAWYER/MONEY-MAKER - extra schooling needed :(
Jewish college graduates! A wad of Benjamin Franklins is looking for you. Corporate America is seeking a misguided undergrad-extender who’s desperate to make similar amounts of money as their parents. Good sense of pride! Who cares about your hopes and dreams? Make some money! Who cares about spending your 9-5 in a downward spiral of suicidal contemplation? YOU CAN DRIVE A PORSCHE. And when you’re 45, you can laugh at the rest of the yuppies, because you’ll be affording divorce lawyers without worry.
Prerequisites: Summer internship at MTV.
Materials Needed: DJ set, signed bar-mitzvah welcome poster.
Attitude: Money-lover, money-talker, money-sexer, money-buyer. If you cum quarters and care, I mean legitimately care, to discuss in conversation, an expensive car someone has, and you followed this whole comma-confusing sentence, WE WANT YOU.
Dealbreaker: Non-Long Island resident.